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Sleep deprived and emo.. I wrote a rap song lol..

Forget  about what was, looked up to where he’s going

following the road where all the highs and lows end.

love was poison, without a choice but chosen.

a man who fights to move, in solitude that’s frozen.

 

she said she was his, destined to be his Mrs.

never to betray or stray from his wishes,

little did he know a hoe can do his dishes,

but bitches get ambitious before getting vicious.

 

 

fuck the takers fakers belly-achers and all the bitches,

the liars the biters backstabbers who couldn’t take it.

motivated to make it, pissed at what it is,

He fought for bigger pieces, of what he felt was his.

 

fuck the takers fakers belly-achers and all the bitches,

the liars the biters backstabbers who couldn’t take it.

motivated to make it, pissed at what it is,

He fought for bigger pieces, of what he felt was his.

 

back to where he was, with everything he is.

on the jaded path, of happiness he missed.

stick it to the dad, who never did assist.

never lived a normal life but boy did he insist.

 

kept it going, persistence resistant to all the pain,

they claimed he couldn’t and shouldn’t try to play the game,

they laid blame, and still nobody knew his name,

bracin  for every loss while takin up bigger gains.

 

 

fuck the takers fakers belly achers and all the bitches,

the liars the biters backstabbers who couldn’t take it.

motivated to make it, pissed at what it is,

He fought for bigger pieces, of what he felt was his.

 

fuck the takers fakers belly achers and all the bitches,

the liars the biters backstabbers who couldn’t take it.

motivated to make it, pissed at what it is,

He fought for bigger pieces, of what he felt was his.

 

ignorant to doubt without a voice to shout,

sicker than the average down but never out.

dastardly bastard cast out he had the last word

master of his universe just like Adam Castor

I look back at the last few years and realize. Yeah I’m crazy, but even more so than that… I am disappointed in others. Where is everyone who was apparently my friends? My wife? My GF? People who I never would have turned my back on first? Oh yea.. They all shit on me so I was forced to dropped them. I’m moving forward now… And I’m not looking back. Fuck you guys I’m destined for greatness, and those who doubted that can be left behind to die like you left me to.

My grandma is such a boss. Normally when I call her the conversation normally goes like this. Me: Hi grandma! Her: Oh is this my grand son? Me: Yes, grandma it’s me. How have you been? Her: Oh you know I’m old, but things are good… What have you been up to? Me: You know just working and wondering how my favorite grandma is doing.. Her: Well I’m good…. Ok I’m going to hang up now…. Me: Um.. Ok grandma talk to you later. This time I called her and rather than the normal conversation she offers to take me out to dinner. I have a great respect this woman, because throughout her life she has survived more strife than I can ever imagine.. She grew up in occupied Korea, and since when she was young survived starving in the midst of World War II along with the Korean War. The latter of the two she took care of her brothers and sisters after her older brother was gunned down in front of her by armed North Korean helicopters. Eating nothing but shrubbery and the bark off of trees to stay alive. She now holds the highest ranking position in my family, and from how I was raised her word is law. She had a talk with me today about life… How I need to work hard make my money and spend it on what makes ME happy and not for others. “You need to find a women who is as strong as the other women in our family, who will honor you and take care of you as much as you take such good care for them… I know how you are.. The biggest and sweetest heart out of all the kids, and its hard for you because that’s what you need in return to be happy,” she said… I quietly listen to everything she says to me because I was raised to never disrespect my only living grandparent, and her short conversations with me in the past has been a psychological way for her to keep authority, which keeps me from thinking we are friends… A total boss… And sometimes the strongest woman I know comes down from her throne and teaches me something. As I’m dropping her off she stops turns to me and says. “You better listen to what I said to you today!!..” “Yes ma’am.” She smiles and walks into her “senior living facility” smiling at and greeting everyone as she goes…
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My grandma is such a boss. Normally when I call her the conversation normally goes like this.
Me: Hi grandma!
Her: Oh is this my grand son?
Me: Yes, grandma it’s me. How have you been?
Her: Oh you know I’m old, but things are good… What have you been up to?
Me: You know just working and wondering how my favorite grandma is doing..
Her: Well I’m good…. Ok I’m going to hang up now….
Me: Um.. Ok grandma talk to you later.

This time I called her and rather than the normal conversation she offers to take me out to dinner. I have a great respect this woman, because throughout her life she has survived more strife than I can ever imagine.. She grew up in occupied Korea, and since when she was young survived starving in the midst of World War II along with the Korean War. The latter of the two she took care of her brothers and sisters after her older brother was gunned down in front of her by armed North Korean helicopters. Eating nothing but shrubbery and the bark off of trees to stay alive. She now holds the highest ranking position in my family, and from how I was raised her word is law.

She had a talk with me today about life… How I need to work hard make my money and spend it on what makes ME happy and not for others. “You need to find a women who is as strong as the other women in our family, who will honor you and take care of you as much as you take such good care for them… I know how you are.. The biggest and sweetest heart out of all the kids, and its hard for you because that’s what you need in return to be happy,” she said… I quietly listen to everything she says to me because I was raised to never disrespect my only living grandparent, and her short conversations with me in the past has been a psychological way for her to keep authority, which keeps me from thinking we are friends…

A total boss… And sometimes the strongest woman I know comes down from her throne and teaches me something. As I’m dropping her off she stops turns to me and says.
“You better listen to what I said to you today!!..”
“Yes ma’am.”
She smiles and walks into her “senior living facility” smiling at and greeting everyone as she goes…

I think if I just lay here in disbelief my problems will somehow solve themself. With a little deeper thought I realize that there is nothing wrong with my life, because there are those who would kill for my life… So why am I so unhappy? Why am I so depressed…? No motivation.. I don’t want to even get out of bed.. Is it because I don’t have a job? No means to keep going except a matter of time when I will be completely broke… I over dramatize it as to make sure I don’t ignore it because that is the only thing that matters to me.. Many think it’s greed.. My motivation for money that defines me… But I disagree… I have just learned through trial and error that money is necessary for survival.. My drive has always been to be able to provide myself with basic things in life which has spiraled into quite a lifestyle, and I have convinced myself it is all necessary for survival… So where do I go from here?????? Fuck… I might have to start figuring that out…….

So 99.99% of the time I can tell if someone is lying in a face to face conversation. It’s from being in the car business for so long trying to bend the truth successfully that I have learned to avoid doing what most people do. Sometimes people touch their face.. Pause look in a certain direction.. Some try to immediately divert the line of questioning… Which then just becomes a game of layering more questions to watch what the response is.. There are always layers… Because you can never tell from just one question…. An expert question asker is what my job title really should be, but having this ability has made it completely impossible to have a relationship.. I can tell when they lie.. A lot of the time I will act like I don’t know though.. Because its best to wait and figure out why they are lying, which a lot of the time leads to the biggest lie of all… Everybody has things they need to keep secret but it’s impossible to keep them from me which triggers the destruction of any relationship I can ever hold dear.. A skill? Or a curse? Ill never know until it’s all over..

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